the abyss

remember that movie? gave it a rewatch the other day. still like it. although not sure it’s possible to actually live in a ~700psi environment.

a fancy hat 12/19

A loose Presidential acquaintance of mine calls me at 1:00am today and asks me if I could print something on the computer for him and bring it over in the afternoon. “Hey yeah sure sure, whatever you need I’ll help you, I’m all yours,” I tell him. He sends me this file and lo and behold I can’t open it. It’s made in Microsoft Publisher and I don’t have that program so I begin panicing, trying to find this program or a way to print the file. Scouring the internet yields no results and I do my usual pacing in my room.

I finally come up with an idea and I tell the former President, if I can proceed with it. The plan was I would carry my printer about 2miles to his golf course, print out the needed pages, maybe talk to him a bit while I was there. I was hoping for at least a hug out of this ordeal.

By the time I get there, I’m wet all over from sweating in the +90 degree heat outside and carrying a heavy motherfucking HP Deskjet printer. The first thing I see upon entering his room (my first time in a President’s bedroom) are some classified documents on the bed.

After the initial shock of seeing such a horrific sight for the first time, I setup the printer and get my job done. However, I did consider reading the documents when he left the room once, but with the wuss that I am, I just ended up staring at them the whole while. That was a sarcastic joke for those of you too stupid to realize that.

To make a long story short, just as I was finishing up with the printing job (which was hefty), Kanye West and Sebastian Gorka walk in, say hello, and begin hanging out in the room as they waited for Trump to finish this work so they could go to the mall.

This effectively ruins my chances of getting a hug and I walk another 2 miles home with the motherfucking printer in hand. The only thing that I got out of this were some very painful fingers and a “thanks” as I walked out his bedroom door.

So, am I pathetic for doing all these things? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve pledged my heart and soul to a President and gotten back almost nothing in return. I would hate turning Trump or anyone else I knew down or making up some lie.

a fancy hat 8/12

My uncle was the greatest nuclear of all time, okay? The best. And they gave him a document, a sort of a paper, and it let everyone know he was the best. And that paper got handed down to me, because even as a child they knew – wow, this kid’s pretty smart with the nuclear.

And if you read this document, okay, listen – listen, you read the document and it says very clearly, very plainly and very clearly, but it says ‘he’s allowed to have the nuclear documents’. It was written on the paper, many years ago, and it’s still just as true today as the day it was written. So the FBI, these guys come in here, they break into the house, they start searching the place. And you know, you have guests over, you need to clean up first. You get the maids together and you say “Listen, my great friend Jeffrey is coming by tonight, I need you to tidy up the place.” and this happens and they do it and the house is beautiful, it’s spotless, and you show you friend and he says “wow” and then you say “wow” and before you know it you’re both, well, that’s how it goes.

But the FBI came in, no warning, like a bunch of dogs running through the house and tearing things up. And they steal the documents, the files, the papers. And I’m a big paper guy, I love the paper, some of the biggest paper guys come to me and say I’m the best. And they stole it all, the papers, the wonderful papers which were going to solve so many problems. You sign a deal with a guy, okay, and maybe you owe him some money. Or maybe you owe him a LOTTA money, more money than you know you’ll ever pay, and he sends a guy to your house and the guy says he’s going to release a sort of a videotape, a videotape of you doing a thing, and having a thing done to you.

So you see these papers and you get the dollar signs and you think the problem is fixed, okay, it’s gone for good. But then the FBI, the woke crooked FBI, they find out somehow. And the leak, the leak is coming from inside the house, it’s terrible, and that wonderful woman with the big eyes dealt with this once before, they made a documentary about it and you still think it’ll never happen to you, but it happened to me. And they’ll do it to you, the IRS agents have guns now, have you seen this? They want your papers and they’ll steal it so fast your head will spin. Much like the atoms in the nuclear. So that’s… he was an incredible uncle and I miss him every day, okay, what were we talking about?